It's been a while since I last posted about my heart attack. Today, however, I would like to address one aspect of having a heart attack-depression.
Not everyone who has ever had a heart attack will experience depression. Some will experience it right after having one, others may not experience it until months later. Either way, it is a 'condition' and it should be dealt with as quickly as possible.
I remember my first visit with my Cardiologist after my heart attack. He asked me if I was depressed. I told him, I had been but I'd 'gotten over it'. I think I might have either, 1. been in denial, or 2. didn't realize I was.
The other night, while getting ready for bed, taking my cock tail of nightly medication, I began to cry. WHY? No clue. I'd been doing that a LOT lately. And, I think it totally freaked James out! He had no clue why I just broke out in a blubbering-tear soaked-crying fest. He asked me in a panic stricken voice, "Babe, what is wrong?" Well, I didn't know WHAT was wrong, so I cried even harder.
The next day, as I was working out in my garden, I thought about my crying fest the night before. And, I got mad! I realized I hate having to take all the medications I am taking...ev-er-y-day!!!! It gets old after a while. I also realized that I push myself, I can't say, "NO" to anyone, and I have been running on empty so I do not have those crying 'spells'. I know the medication keeps my blood flowing freely, keeps blood clots from forming in my newly open arteries, and is helping to rid my body of the over abundance of cholesterol that is causing my arteries to become blocked. But, I DESPISE having to take all the medication!! I hate the fact that I am a control freak (yes, I said it..it's out there), I hate that my brain 'thinks'. I hate putting on a smile on my face for everyone and pretending I am happy and 'okay', and I-hate-crying!
With this realization came the depression. I have fought it, I have researched it and it would be so easy for me to just say, "Ya know, I quit!" and go into the depression that would end all depression. People who have never experienced a heart attack don't understand the toll it takes, not only on the body, but on the mind, as well. I can't do the things I 'used to do', it takes me three times longer to do most of my daily chores. I get tired a lot more easily now. It's hard to explain to family and friends how it feels. It's hard when they expect you to be 'just like before' and you know you can't, but you try. It's hard to explain why you take a nap in the afternoon. It's hard when family and friends accuse you of being 'lazy' and 'sleeping all day'. This just adds to the depression.
So, instead of adding another pill to my long list of pills I take (and hating that fact, no less), I have been praying, reading positive, up-lifting books and articles, and listening to positive music. I have been learning to say, "No" and when I am tired, I rest. If family and friends can't understand it, that is their problem, not mine anymore. I am learning to let go of the control and letting other people take over. I 'm not afraid, anymore, if I am having a bad day, to express that I am having a bad day. If I don't want 'company', I say, "Sorry, I would love a visit, but today just isn't a good day for me" and leave it at that. I do not owe anyone an explanation of my emotions. And, neither do you!
Yes, having a heart attack is a life changing event. And, yes, depression is a major aspect of having a heart attack, just as is fear of having another one and dying! People will not understand the life style changes you have to make. They will not understand why you are always so tired. You can tell them having a heart attack damaged the heart, the one thing needed to stay alive. It's like breaking a bone, it doesn't heal over night and having a heart attack will not heal over night. It can take months or years to fully recover. You won't be the same person again. You won't be able to do the things you 'used' to do. And it is frustrating at best.
A few things you can do is to know you will never be the same again, you will need to rest, and you will feel sad. If you are having trouble dealing with these emotional issues, talk to your health care team, join a support group and seek help. It is better to 'talk it out' than to hold on to the emotions and risk another heart attack. And you will encounter those who just don't get it. It's okay. You owe them nothing. You are number one, your health is priority. If they ask you to do something, and you don't wanna do it, or you just don't feel like it, tell them. They will get over it. And if not, you don't need them in your life. It's okay to feel angry and not know why. It's okay to feel sad and not know why. These are normal emotions.
Go outside and soak in some sunshine. Take a walk with a loved one. Stop and smell the flowers. Enjoy life. You have been given a second chance. Don't screw it up!
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