My Dad

Hey Friends!

Since last Christmas I had to go off and have a heart attack and missed Christmas with my family, this year I decided to have a 'make up' Christmas.  I went to bed the night before Christmas Eve and tossed and turned most of the night.  I finally gave up and made my way to the kitchen for coffee.  I sat in the living room reading all the Christmas greetings on Facebook.  I woke James up at 8 am so we could get ready to head up to my dad's for Christmas. 

About 8:05 am, my phone rang.  In our family we have a game of sorts we do on Christmas Eve.  We try to see who can say "Christmas Eve Gift" first and to the most.  If you beat the other person, you get a gift, although, we do not do that part.  The fun is trying to beat all the other family members to the punch.  I answered the phone, and said, "Christmas Eve Gift!!"  My sister said to me, "Get up to dad's now...it's bad."  I got my son up and told him to get my other sister and to get her up to dad's.

James and I got in the car and raced to dad's...only 2 blocks up the road.  As we came over the hill, we saw EMT's, fire trucks, First responders and a lot of trucks and cars.  We pulled into the drive way and I ran inside.  The EMT's were doing CPR on dad...finally my sister 'called it'.  Our dad had went home to heaven. 

It was devastating to all of us.  Not exactly what we expected on Christmas Eve.  After all was said and done, we all decided to go ahead and have Christmas...'for the little ones'.  We all tried to be happy and joyful, but it just didn't happen.  It's hard to be happy or to even act happy when someone you love is gone forever.

My dad was a hard working man.  He was a cowboy, served his country in the U.S. Army for 20 plus years, and was an R.N. for over 30 years.  He was a husband, a father, a son, a brother, a uncle, a grandfather, great grandfather and a great-great grandfather.  He loved to travel, and go to auctions.  But most importantly, He Served.  He served his family, his country, and others...and he served proudly.  He was happiest at the hospital taking care of the patients. 

My dad suffered from dementia.  It was hard to watch him deteriorate from a healthy, hard working man, to someone who couldn't do for himself.  I've spent my life taking care of dementia patients, but it's different when it's your own family.  Tomorrow, 12/30/13 we will lay our Father to rest, with full military honors. 

It's been a horrible, and hard week.  My brother and sister's and I have yelled, screamed, and said things to each other out of anger and grief this week, but we have managed to stop, apologize, hug, kiss, and love each other through it all.  I think Dad would be happy with how we are handling this. 

I miss my dad.  My heart aches for him, for his smile, and his love.  As long as I remember dad, he is never gone...he's just home.

A Christmas Message

One year ago, on Christmas Eve, I had a heart attack. If you follow my posts, you know this.  I wished I could report that my life has taken a turn for the best...however, I am still struggle with my weight, and I still smoke.  Change isn't easy.  Sometimes we have set backs that prevent us from achieving our goals.   The main thing is we keep trying. 

Looking back on the past year, a lot has changed. I know who is important in my life and who I ain't wasting my time on.  I know who I can and can not count on.  I know that some things I can not change.  I must accept how things are, pray God will change it and if not, accept that.  I have learned to love harder and make a LOT of memories, even if other people think I'm nuts. I have learned to pick my battles.  I have learned to let go of the past and focus on the future.  I have learned that no one will run my life except God and me.  I have learned that I do not have to answer to anyone or explain myself or what I do to anyone but God.  My faith has grown stronger and I appreciate what I have. 

I don't live in a huge house.  I don't drive new cars.  But I have a home, and I have 2 cars. I have a husband that has stood by my side through all the good and all the bad.  I have a son that aggravates the hell out of me, but I couldn't love him more.  I have a daughter that grows more beautiful everyday and has blessed me with a equally beautiful grand daughter and a future grand son or daughter sometime in July or August.  I have a LOT of wonderful nieces and nephews that I just adore and feel blessed to spend time with. I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers that no words can describe how deep my love goes for them.  I have 3 dogs and 3 cats that think I am the bees-knees.  I have a lot of friends that I am honored to know.  I am blessed beyond measure.

The coming year has a lot of mystery in it as the future does.  I have no clue what will happen in 2014, but I am looking forward to it and whatever it brings I am ready! 

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year!  Here's to a great 2014!!!!!

Traditions

I've fallen behind on my blogging.  And, with the holidays dang near here, I ain't gonna catch it up! 

This last weekend was a super busy, super fun weekend.  Friday I had 5 of my nieces here for a Princess Christmas Party and Sunday, my family gathered at our dad's home to trim his Christmas tree, eat some really great food and have fun and games!

From Left to Right: Chloe, my niece, my sister, me my oldest sister, my sister in law, and my next to the oldest sister, my son, and in the blue chair, my dad.

My oldest sisters and I were talking about how Christmas just isn't the same as it used to be.  My oldest sister's husband passed away a few years ago and our Mother passed shortly after that.  She stated that she just 'hated Christmas' and that 'it just wasn't worth celebrating'.  James' dad passed away when he was 9 years old, and for him, Christmas has never been the same.  My oldest sister and I somewhat agreed on how sometimes, we just wished the holidays would just go away.

My second to the oldest sister was standing behind us listening(we didn't know this).  She said something super profound, and surprised me.  Not that she doesn't say things that don't surprise me, this was just..well, it made sense.  She said (paraphrased) 'I know we have lost a lot of our loved ones over the years, and nothing is the same.  Things change.  But our grandparents lost people they loved dearly and they still celebrated the holidays.  Christmas must be celebrated and kept alive, not for US, but for our children and our grandchildren and for the future of our grand children's children.  Life changes for us, through the loss of loved ones, and it will for them as well.  But we must carry the traditions of Christmas and share them with our children and their children so our traditions won't be lost.'

At first I didn't think anything of this, but as the day went on, and we laughed until we cried and had a great family fun day, I began to think about what she said.  I must agree with her.  It is so important, in today's world, to keep those old family traditions going and to create new one's, as well.  I think in today's world, it is even MORE important to keep holiday traditions alive.  As my own family grows bigger and we have more little one's running around, I find myself clinging to those old family traditions and trying to make new traditions. 

Last year, I had planned a big Christmas morning breakfast.  But I found myself in ICU on Christmas morning.  My kids have asked if we are going to do that this year and James and I have kicked it around some.  Honestly, I'm not sure he is up to it....and not sure I am, either.  We wanted a simple, family Christmas and I think we will have it on Christmas Eve at my dad's with all of the family gathered together.  Christmas Day will be spent relaxing, watching old black and white Christmas movies and just enjoying the day. 

Old traditions much be kept alive.  But sometimes new traditions are just too much.  Our society is a busy, on the move, world.  Sometimes it is nice to just spend the day doing nothing.  Just spending it reflecting on the past year, the new year ahead of us, and the birth of Jesus is enough.

What are some holiday traditions you cling too? 

Making Memories

Tonight, I made a huge pot of chili.  I love chili...with Frito's, cheese, onions and sour cream.  My sister asked me last night what I was planning on making for dinner tonight.  I told her "chili" and she more or less invited herself over.  Then, tonight, just as I was setting the table, my phone rang and my brother, who happens to be a truck driver, called.  He was home and "starving", so I told him I had made a huge pot of chili and to 'come on over'.  I added a couple more bowls to the table and we all gathered around and had a great meal.

We got into a discussion about the end times.  We got a Bible and began reading and discussing our thoughts and opinions on the subject.  There was a slow spot in the conversation and my brother asked my sister what she would like for Christmas.  I didn't hear her answer.  Then he asked me what I would like for Christmas.  I said, "I know what I don't want."  He looked at me, with a puzzled look and asked, "What?"  I said, "I don't want another heart attack!"  We all nodded our heads in agreement and my brother said, "No, we don't want that." 

So, my sister and I asked our brother, "What do you want for Christmas?"  He sat for a moment and thought.  He leaned back and said, "All I want is for everyone to get together and not fight.  To not be mad or angry at each other.  I want all of us to just get together, celebrate the real reason for Christmas; the Birth of Jesus and just have a great day." 

My sister and I sat in shock, starring at our brother.  Let's just say, he isn't the most 'religous' person on Earth.  So to hear him say this was, in a word; shocking.  My sister finally said, "We can do that, I think."  I nodded in agreement.  But I thought about it for a minute and then said, "But it wouldn't be the holidays if someone didn't get upset with someone."  We all started laughing.

After they went home, I sat and thought about this for a while.  I thought about all the Christmas' we've had, 46 for me.  I don't remember a time any of us got together and somewhere, someone didn't say or do something that didn't upset someone else.  It's the way our family rolls.

One thing I have learned since having my heart attack is make as many memories as you can.  This Friday I am 'hosting' a Princess party for my nieces.  We have crowns, Princess movies, pizza, ice cream, coloring, painting, crafting, and of course, tea.  I had a family member ask if I had lost my mind and if I knew what I was 'getting myself in to'.  Yeah, I know what I am doing and no, I have not lost my mind.  I am making memories. 

Sometimes events in our lives changes us.  The event, no matter how big or small, makes us a better  person, a kinder person, a more loving person, a more understanding, empathic person.  Sometimes a serious event makes a person appreciate life a little more, makes them want to make people happy. 

When we die, we sure can't take all the stuff we have with us.  It stays here, with our loved ones.  For them to remember.  My brother asked me one day, when you die, what do you want people to remember?  That is a loaded question and I had to think long and hard about it.  After a very, very long time, months even, I told him.  I looked at my brother and I said, "When I die, I want to leave behind a legacy of...Love. I want people to remember all the happy things I did for them.  But, before that happens, before I die, I want to make a LOT of memories, not for me, for everyone else."

I made a memory tonight.

And, I will make memories this Christmas.

What is you plan for Christmas to make it memorable?

Heart Health: One Year Ago...

I've been doing a lot of silent remembering the last few weeks.  Oh, silent remembering is when you remember a past event silently.  You don't say to a person, "Hey, remember when....."  You just sorta remember the event in your head and think.

Last year, I had a heart attack...on Christmas Eve.  The months prior to that were, at the very least, stressful, and that was on a good day!  I remember I was tired...more so than normal.  Small things exhausted me.  Moving wore me out.  Thinking seemed impossible.  I couldn't stay awake.  I remember more than once during my teaching internship, I would fall asleep in the middle of the day.  I had to move to stay awake.  I would come home to do homework, and before I knew it, I was asleep. 

Something inside of me told me something just was not 'right'.  I went to my doctor and explained everything to her and she offered me antidepressants.  I told her, "Thanks, but no...there is something other than depression going on here." and it was left at that.

And it got worse.  I was exhausted!  I wasn't sleeping...you know that restful sleep we all need and when we don't get it, we feel like crap!  I couldn't breath.  It was an effort to take a breath.  Eventually, I snapped..mentally and blew a gasket and got myself in trouble at my school.  Wasn't a good move on my part, granted, but looking back, I now understand why it happened.  For a while, I was relieved...I was happy...giddy, almost.  Mentally I was all wrong.  Physically, I was about to find out more than I wanted.

The holidays were coming up pretty fast.  I was excited about being a grandmother for the first time.  I was able to spend time with my family and not be in a book, or doing homework.  We made Christmas cookies.  We looked at all the lights.  In private, I was dying inside.  I was a miserable mess.  Something still wasn't right inside and I had no idea. The doctor just wanted me on more pills, which I refused.  I was still tired.  Still exhausted.  Still wore out.  But, I pushed through.  I told myself and almost convinced myself the doctor was right, I was depressed.  I was stressed out.  I just needed rest.

I remember the night my grand daughter was born.  We were all excited, waiting for that first look.  I had been to the doctor once again, this time, for a sinus' infection.  I remember going outside after Lyla was born, and looking up at the sky and saying to God, "Thanks for all Your blessing."  I was so happy that my daughter and grand daughter were okay.  I remember thinking my grand daughter is the second most beautiful baby ever born, my daughter being the first!  I remember tears of relief that they were safe and breathing, and praying this sinus infection would go away so I could breathe.

Once home, I looked around and realized Christmas was 3 days away and I'd not really done anything.  So, my son and I got busy wrapping gifts, cooking, and cleaning.  I hadn't done any shopping, so hubby and I went shopping after he got off work.  It was another stressful time for me.

The night before Christmas Eve, I remember I was just plain ole wore out!  I took a hot shower, and got into the Jammie's.  Hubby and I were in the living room, watching TV, and I coughed...hard.  Then, my chest began to ache.  My first thought was, "Damn, sinus infection has went into the chest and this can't be good."  So, I told hubby I was tired and was going to bed.  I laid down and the pain hit me hard.  I just didn't understand what was happening.  I felt confused, foggy, exhausted.  I just wanted to go to sleep...but couldn't lie down without horrible pain.  That night was a 'no sleep' night.

The next day, we went to my dad's house for Christmas.  It is pretty much a fog, but I remember a few snide remarks that were made by family members.  I remember the attitudes a few family members had when gifts were opened.  I remember hubby telling me to let him take me to the hospital and me refusing...because I didn't want to ruin the holiday for everyone.  I remember thinking, "I just want to breath and this pain to stop."  Looking back, it seems the day was ruined because of my just being there.  Looking back I remember the looks I received by family members.  Needless to say, Christmas Eve sucked...even before I knew what was going on.

I decided to leave shortly after hubby went to work.  My son and I came home, and it is just gone...that afternoon/evening, is gone.  I remember talking to my oldest sister on the phone.  And, I remember telling my son I was going to try to take a nap.  I remember calling hubby at work and telling him to come home.  I remember the Cardiologist telling me I was having a heart attack.  I remember the cath lab and seeing my heart beating like some crazy drug had hit it.  I remember the stint being placed and my heart start beating normally again.

The next few days are a blur.  I remember Pastor Don calling my name out in ICU while I slept and thinking "God is here" (Pastor Don has a deep voice when you are half asleep and doped up).  I remember my hubby telling me everything that happened, from trying to get family to come to the hospital (they apparently didn't want to come) to what they said once there.  I remember telling my oldest sister, "I don't think this was gas" and her crying and me laughing.  I had lived.

Over this year, I have thought about this event a lot.  I have thought about what I was told and I have asked family about it and they confirmed it.  I have wondered why I was spared.  When in reality, I should have died that night, but didn't.  I have been on 'reserve' all year.  Meaning, I don't trust people at what they say, but by their actions, by what they do how they behave.  It's amazing what people will say about you when they think you can't hear.  And, by that, I have a few family members I just do not trust anymore.

The events of last Christmas Eve changed me.  How can it not?  My eyes were open to a lot of things around me that night.  Yes, I still smoke.  I have, however, changed my diet.  I exercises more, I don't let things get to me as much.  If I have something to say, I say it.  I don't care if it pisses you off.  Truth hurts sometimes.  I know the ones I can trust.  And I trust them fully.  I know the ones that support me.  I support them back.  I know the ones that were there that night because they were truly concerned and the ones that were there because they were made to go.  I know who is important to me, because I am important to them.  Yes, I have changed. I'm not the same person I was last Christmas....or even last year.  I know what makes me happy and I know what makes me unhappy.  I do things because I want to do them, not because it's expected of me.  I still struggle with smoking.  I still crave bacon, real bacon.  And ever so often, I'll have a slice.  I still struggle with stress, although, it's nothing like before.  I have learned prayer is the best medicine.

I sat out to bring some insight to heart disease and I think I have mange to do just that.  There is no written rule that you will have a heart attack like you see on TV.  Those just don't happen very often.  Heart attacks can sneak up on you before you know it.  If you think something isn't 'right' with your health, you are probably right.  Get it checked before it's too late.  It's your life, make the doctor do all the tests.  You must fight for your right to live.

I'm sure this Christmas will be a lot different than last years.  For one, I will remember it.  And, I will be happy.  And, I will have a good time.  I will make memories.  I will thank God for one more year to spend with family.  And, I will eat healthy.  And, I will move my body to burn those extra calories off.

I will still bring heart healthy articles to the blog.  I will offer suggestions for a healthier life style.  I will tell you about new state of the art procedures for the heart.  I will update you on my own progress.  And I pray you all have the happiest of all holidays.