The Importance of Family

It's been a crazy, insane weekend and beginning week.  I can only pray it becomes a little easier for us.

Friday:  The Chantix has been stopped.  I'm not smoking nearly as much as I was before I began the Chantix, but I had to stop taking it.  I have no memory of Friday between 6pm and 3am.  I do know I ended up in the ER, with my husband and sister, freaking out!   I'm much better today.  I guess, according to the hospital records, I had a "psychotic break down" due to the Chantix.  Won't take that again.  I'll just stick to the patch.

Saturday:  Spent the day with my dad, caring for him.  In the process, dad fell, James caught him, and pulled the muscles in his back.  We didn't realize just how bad it was until Monday.  I'll get to that in a bit.

Sunday: James and I tried to spend some very much needed time together, but some family members got upset over that.  They will get over it.  We needed this time.

Monday: James was hurting pretty bad, but was hell bent and Georgia bound to go to work.  He went to take a shower and I thought he was in there a little longer than normal.  He finally yelled for me and when I got to the bathroom, he was down for the count!!  It took me 45 minutes to get him to the bedroom, about 15 feet.  I ended up calling an ambulance to take him to the hospital.  We were there over 6 hours and I had to yell at the ER doctor's to get him some kind of pain relief.  My sister, Johannah, came to get us and bring us home. 

Last night was bad.  Had about 3 hours sleep total.  My oldest sister, Theresa, took me to the pharmacy to get James' pain pills.  I don't think she realizes how much I appreciate that.  My brother, Jeff, is going to help out in the morning by getting some stuff we need.  Our PCP finally called in a muscle relaxer today so tomorrow, again, Theresa will take me over to get that.

Sometimes, I think, my family is about as dysfunctional as they come.  We fight.  We argue.  We go days without talking to each other.  We say things about each other that we really do not mean.  You would think at times, we hate each other.  But, when it gets down to brass tacks, we are there for each other.  We always have been and I pray, we always will be.  We don't always agree with each other.  But, we love each other fully. 

Family is important.  They are the ones that teach us to be a friend and an enemy.  They are the ones we rely one, whether we realize it or not.  We are the ones that get in trouble with each other and cover each others butts.  We celebrate the good times and hold each other in the bad times.  We know when each other is being honest, and when we aren't being so honest.  We accept each other as we are.  We do not try to change each other.  We love each other, faults and all, through the good and the bad.  We're family.  It's what we do.  It's who we are.

Being the 'baby' of the family has its advantages.  It also has its disadvantages.  Sometimes more disadvantages than advantages.  The 'baby' is protected by the older siblings.  This can be a good thing, and it can be a bad thing.  One thing is for sure; my older siblings will never know how much I love each of them.  They will never know how much I appreciate them.  They may have an idea.  But, they will never fully know how deep my love for each one of them goes.  Sometimes, I don't think I realize how deep that love is.  You can tell your family you love them, you can show how much you love them, but honestly, they will never know the full extent of that love.

One thing is for certain, there is nothing I wouldn't do for any one of my brothers and sisters.  If it is within my power, I will be there for them.  They are my life.  They are my being.  And I love each one of them deeply.  I hope they know this.  I hope they know how much I appreciate everything they have done for me and James the last few days.  I hope they know that I will never repay them, but I will never forget what they have done.

You Are Not Alone

  I am sentimental about things.  For example, the Grandmother clock my Mom gave to me, my Great-grand mother's pie safe (why are they called a 'pie-safe', anyway?), photos I have, jewelry from my Mom, my granny's salt and pepper shakers.  I am sentimental about people.  My children, my husband, my grand daughter, my dad, memories of my Mom and granny.  What does this word mean?
According to the dictionary, "Of or prompted by feelings of tenderness, sadness, or nostalgia."  Yup, I'm pretty sentimental about life.

Sometimes, in the scheme of things, life will through you a super bad curve ball.  You may have lost your job.  You may be trying to start a new life.  You may have had some bad news at the doctor's office.  You may have experienced a death in your family or of a close friend.  You may have unexpected expenses and are unable to meet your obligations.  That is life.  It sucks! 

When, after almost 8 years of no active retinopaty in my eyes, I woke up and was like, "OH CRAP!", Okay, that is not exactly what I said, but it's close.   Then, after my doctor visits and not getting my way, I was resolved to live a life of a blind person.  I know it's going to happen.  I've known for a long time, but until now, my doctor has been able to keep that from happening.  It's closer to happening now than ever before. 

The last few weeks have not been easy.  I'm not able to go to my dad's on my scheduled weekend and give him a hard time, translated, take care of him.  So, my sisters are having to trade off.  That bothers me and I miss the time with my dad.  I'm not able to do a lot of things, like work in my garden.  The weeds have pretty much taken over.  I have to rely on my son and husband to do a lot more around the house, like lifting, bending, moving things.  It's just second nature to do those things.  However, right now, I am on super alert to not.

For example, hubby and I went to do our laundry (washer died) last night.  After all the laundry was washed, folded and packed up, I was going to pick up a basket of towels and put them in a cart and pull the cart to the car.  I thought James was going to have a heart attack right there!!  It wasn't real crowded, but there were enough people to hear him tell me, "You even think about picking that basket up and you will regret it!"  Not that he would beat me up....but meaning, my eye would start to bleed again, regret it.  While cooking some dinner one night last week, my son walked in just as I was about to pick up a iron skillet and place in the oven.  He was like "MOM! What are you doing?  Here, let me do that."  After recovering from being scared half to death, I walked into the living room, sat down and cried.

I decided that I was not needed around here, so why bother.  Thoughts and ideas began to circle around inside my head.  Thoughts that frightened me.  Thoughts and ideas that should never, ever be inside one's head.  I can't do the things that allow me to feel like I am contributing to our little family.  I can't pick up my grand daughter, or nephew and play with them.  I get confused and disoriented in dark rooms or outside in the dark.  I decided to have a really good, for me only, pity party.

I sent a friend a email.  I poured out my heart.  I explained every thought, feeling, idea, and plan that had entered my mind over the last few weeks.  My friend sent me back an email that said only this:

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. Deut. 31:6

WOW!  Is that not one great big promise?  I began to pray.  I asked God to give me comfort and strength to accept whatever He has planned for me.  Then I began to thank God for all He has blessed me with. In the end, it was a LOT!!!  And, what God has blessed me with was a lot more than what I was going through.

I have lived, so far, 45 years.  I have seen the ocean, from both coast lines.  I have seen the snow capped mountains, the desert, I've seen caribou, elk, eagles flying on the breeze.  I have seen the sun set and the sun rise.  I've seen the falling snow, and a rain storm.  I've seen children laughing and playing, I've seen grown men cry.  I have been rich, and I have been poor.  I have worked hard and taken it easy.  I've struggled for what I want and I've had things given to me.  I have seen life and I have seen death.  I've seen a lot in 45 years.  I have a mind, with a pretty good memory card.  I have felt the wind blowing through my hair, the rain on my face, the sun warm my shoulders. I have seen my daughter walk down the isle.  And, I have no regrets. I have made choices in life that may not have been the best, but it was the best at that time. 

No matter what life throws your way, no matter how desperate you may become, God will never leave you alone.  When everyone else is talking about you behind your back, when everyone else is saying horrible untrue things about you, when the doctors give you the worse news imaginable, when you see no way out of whatever situation you are in, God is right there with you, hands stretched out, waiting on you to take hold.

I'm not one to 'preach'.  God knows I'm not perfect.  But sometimes, we just need to be reminded that we are not alone.  No matter what we are going through, or experiencing, God is right there with us.


YOU are not alone.

The Yellow Rose Bush

We have a yellow rose bush that is HUGE!  It's not just any rose bush, though.  Yes, there is a story behind the yellow rose bush. 

A few weeks after James proposed to me, we were at Walmart shopping.  It was Spring time so the Garden Center was full with new shipments of flowers.  We were wondering around and my eye caught the roses.  I went over to look at them.  There were a few other people looking at them too.  I was smelling every rose bush.  None of them 'smelled' like a rose bush...except this one yellow rose bush.  There was another man looking at it and my chance to get it was slipping away.  So, I grabbed the rose bush up!!  I told James, "This is the one I want."  And so we bought it and brought it home. 

We needed to find a place to plant this beauty and decided on a place by the front door.  After we planted it, I turned to James and said, "This is our love rose bush.  As it grows, so will our love for each other." 

The rose bush grew for a few years and bloomed out profusely!  One year though, it struggled to grow.  That was the year James and I had a 'bad' year and had discussed the "D" word more times than I care to remember.  We managed to work through our problems and our marriage is much stronger now.  And, so is the rose bush.

I would have to say this is my most favorite flower in our entire garden.  Every year it grows stronger and more beautiful.  We have other rose bushes in the yard, but this one, this one is indeed my favorite.