I've been doing a lot of silent remembering the last few weeks. Oh, silent remembering is when you remember a past event silently. You don't say to a person, "Hey, remember when....." You just sorta remember the event in your head and think.
Last year, I had a heart attack...on Christmas Eve. The months prior to that were, at the very least, stressful, and that was on a good day! I remember I was tired...more so than normal. Small things exhausted me. Moving wore me out. Thinking seemed impossible. I couldn't stay awake. I remember more than once during my teaching internship, I would fall asleep in the middle of the day. I had to move to stay awake. I would come home to do homework, and before I knew it, I was asleep.
Something inside of me told me something just was not 'right'. I went to my doctor and explained everything to her and she offered me antidepressants. I told her, "Thanks, but no...there is something other than depression going on here." and it was left at that.
And it got worse. I was exhausted! I wasn't sleeping...you know that restful sleep we all need and when we don't get it, we feel like crap! I couldn't breath. It was an effort to take a breath. Eventually, I snapped..mentally and blew a gasket and got myself in trouble at my school. Wasn't a good move on my part, granted, but looking back, I now understand why it happened. For a while, I was relieved...I was happy...giddy, almost. Mentally I was all wrong. Physically, I was about to find out more than I wanted.
The holidays were coming up pretty fast. I was excited about being a grandmother for the first time. I was able to spend time with my family and not be in a book, or doing homework. We made Christmas cookies. We looked at all the lights. In private, I was dying inside. I was a miserable mess. Something still wasn't right inside and I had no idea. The doctor just wanted me on more pills, which I refused. I was still tired. Still exhausted. Still wore out. But, I pushed through. I told myself and almost convinced myself the doctor was right, I was depressed. I was stressed out. I just needed rest.
I remember the night my grand daughter was born. We were all excited, waiting for that first look. I had been to the doctor once again, this time, for a sinus' infection. I remember going outside after Lyla was born, and looking up at the sky and saying to God, "Thanks for all Your blessing." I was so happy that my daughter and grand daughter were okay. I remember thinking my grand daughter is the second most beautiful baby ever born, my daughter being the first! I remember tears of relief that they were safe and breathing, and praying this sinus infection would go away so I could breathe.
Once home, I looked around and realized Christmas was 3 days away and I'd not really done anything. So, my son and I got busy wrapping gifts, cooking, and cleaning. I hadn't done any shopping, so hubby and I went shopping after he got off work. It was another stressful time for me.
The night before Christmas Eve, I remember I was just plain ole wore out! I took a hot shower, and got into the Jammie's. Hubby and I were in the living room, watching TV, and I coughed...hard. Then, my chest began to ache. My first thought was, "Damn, sinus infection has went into the chest and this can't be good." So, I told hubby I was tired and was going to bed. I laid down and the pain hit me hard. I just didn't understand what was happening. I felt confused, foggy, exhausted. I just wanted to go to sleep...but couldn't lie down without horrible pain. That night was a 'no sleep' night.
The next day, we went to my dad's house for Christmas. It is pretty much a fog, but I remember a few snide remarks that were made by family members. I remember the attitudes a few family members had when gifts were opened. I remember hubby telling me to let him take me to the hospital and me refusing...because I didn't want to ruin the holiday for everyone. I remember thinking, "I just want to breath and this pain to stop." Looking back, it seems the day was ruined because of my just being there. Looking back I remember the looks I received by family members. Needless to say, Christmas Eve sucked...even before I knew what was going on.
I decided to leave shortly after hubby went to work. My son and I came home, and it is just gone...that afternoon/evening, is gone. I remember talking to my oldest sister on the phone. And, I remember telling my son I was going to try to take a nap. I remember calling hubby at work and telling him to come home. I remember the Cardiologist telling me I was having a heart attack. I remember the cath lab and seeing my heart beating like some crazy drug had hit it. I remember the stint being placed and my heart start beating normally again.
The next few days are a blur. I remember Pastor Don calling my name out in ICU while I slept and thinking "God is here" (Pastor Don has a deep voice when you are half asleep and doped up). I remember my hubby telling me everything that happened, from trying to get family to come to the hospital (they apparently didn't want to come) to what they said once there. I remember telling my oldest sister, "I don't think this was gas" and her crying and me laughing. I had lived.
Over this year, I have thought about this event a lot. I have thought about what I was told and I have asked family about it and they confirmed it. I have wondered why I was spared. When in reality, I should have died that night, but didn't. I have been on 'reserve' all year. Meaning, I don't trust people at what they say, but by their actions, by what they do how they behave. It's amazing what people will say about you when they think you can't hear. And, by that, I have a few family members I just do not trust anymore.
The events of last Christmas Eve changed me. How can it not? My eyes were open to a lot of things around me that night. Yes, I still smoke. I have, however, changed my diet. I exercises more, I don't let things get to me as much. If I have something to say, I say it. I don't care if it pisses you off. Truth hurts sometimes. I know the ones I can trust. And I trust them fully. I know the ones that support me. I support them back. I know the ones that were there that night because they were truly concerned and the ones that were there because they were made to go. I know who is important to me, because I am important to them. Yes, I have changed. I'm not the same person I was last Christmas....or even last year. I know what makes me happy and I know what makes me unhappy. I do things because I want to do them, not because it's expected of me. I still struggle with smoking. I still crave bacon, real bacon. And ever so often, I'll have a slice. I still struggle with stress, although, it's nothing like before. I have learned prayer is the best medicine.
I sat out to bring some insight to heart disease and I think I have mange to do just that. There is no written rule that you will have a heart attack like you see on TV. Those just don't happen very often. Heart attacks can sneak up on you before you know it. If you think something isn't 'right' with your health, you are probably right. Get it checked before it's too late. It's your life, make the doctor do all the tests. You must fight for your right to live.
I'm sure this Christmas will be a lot different than last years. For one, I will remember it. And, I will be happy. And, I will have a good time. I will make memories. I will thank God for one more year to spend with family. And, I will eat healthy. And, I will move my body to burn those extra calories off.
I will still bring heart healthy articles to the blog. I will offer suggestions for a healthier life style. I will tell you about new state of the art procedures for the heart. I will update you on my own progress. And I pray you all have the happiest of all holidays.
